CLICK ON DAD TO ENLARGE.
My Father passed away yesterday. Even though I was with him most of the time over the past 2 months, I made a huge mistake and I will never forget it, and it hurts. I wanted to give him a ton of kisses to make up for the unnecessary guilt that others in our family had chosen to heap on him. However, I was afraid that by doing that, I would be telling him to die, that this was it. So I waited so as not to hasten his death.
He had to be changed that last night and he was so weak that he just sank into the air mattress. It took me half an hour to change him and I was so exhausted by then that I fell asleep sometime around 3 in the morning? When I woke up he was gone. I wanted him to know one final time how grateful I was for him and for being his son and to counter the stress, anxiety and guilt that he felt based on the narcissistic judgement by others of his life, and I failed.
My father thanked me several times over the past couple of months and said he wouldn't still be alive if not for my efforts. For me it was not an effort,I was grateful to be there when he needed a sip of water or had a special food craving, but I just wanted to him know one last time in no uncertain terms how much he meant to me.
A big part of my grief involved trying to file my nightly story for this blog even as he lay just three feet from me and was only hours away from dying. Filing my nightly stories is important to me because we have to fight back against paper violence. Paper violence is when some schmuck in a corporate board room makes a callous, uncalled for numerical decision that instantly causes grief and hardship to thousands of people, such as what Chase is doing with their Change in Terms on already existing agreements. These Change in terms involve raising monthly minimum fees 250%. Yet there was my father, and I blew it his final night and I am sitting here in tears as I write this.
As at peace that I am that I did everything for my father that I could, I feel I blew it the final night of his life, big time, and I blame Chase bank for that. I would protest 8 hours a day against Chase, every day, if I could earn a wage doing it. In the meantime, I will probably post less often over the next week as I prepare for my fathers funeral. Thanks Dad, thanks for my life and for you being in it.